Journeying Home: Embracing Faith, Hope, and Charity (A Filipino-Chinese Catholic Experience)

If there was something I learned the past year were these major points:

A. God will eventually give you what your heart desire (for as long as it's good for you). It's just has to be on His terms and perfect time, not ours.

B. God will not give us challenges that we cannot face - even if it means you hit rock bottom and you feel like you can never recover from that situation. In fact, He was actually helping you by showing you the way, you just have to trust Him enough and bravely walk towards where He wants to lead you.

C. You cannot keep on doing the same thing and expect a different result. Or as one of the Fil-Chi singles group organizers said, "You have to do something different in order to get something different in life."

D. Everything happens for a reason and I still believe that saying until now.

Pandemic made me realize that my faith in God wasn't as strong as I thought it was. As I tried to strengthen my faith, I felt like something was missing - I felt like I was serving Him alone culturally and spiritually. I know some people would say there's this group and that group that you could join to have the sense of belongingness, but the thing was you cannot wear one mask while withholding some parts of you because you are worried on how they will respond to the situation. I felt like I don't have an identity where I could converge myself being a Fil-Chi and a Catholic at the same time. It's like you either have to give up one or the other just to have the sense of belongingness in the community.

Until I hit the rock bottom phase. That phase where I ended up having a scratch on my eyelids due to using tissue or towel to wipe off the tears that never stopped pouring. That phase where I just said I cannot go to one of my college friend's child dedication without explaining why because I knew deep down that I would either rant or cry to this one family (who knew the whole story of how I ended up in rock bottom) along the trip to the venue or I would have a bunch of pangs of sadness as I see them all enjoying a lot of stuff with their respective families and you wonder if you would have yours and who knew that tears would suddenly pour down and people around would wonder why and the last thing you would want to happen was you spreading negativity or loneliness on such as beautiful occasion. I knew that this family - especially this particular friend who knew the crap that I have gone through was so worried about me and I was just pulling the Ennui mode of my emotion telling her that I'm fine - even if I am not just to not make her worry. That phase where reading Dr. Nicole Lepera's posts on the X app became even more valuable. Who knew that she was mentioning things that never struck me that much until that time when I was at rock bottom - that you are literally following her tips because you felt like you are in freezing mode and you need to go out to walk while shaking your hands. That phase where my mom doesn't know how to help me and I said I wanted to go to a Psychiatrist who I thought would help me with what I am going through - because how are you going to have a happy ending if you felt like there's a big boulder that I felt I cannot remove (that is the stigma that is involving my condition that I didn't choose).

They say when you hit rock bottom there are two things you could have done: Continue to wallow in pain and sorrow OR, get up and do something positively different - and I did the latter.

Who knew that bravely attending that one Fil-Chi singles' event on that fateful December of last year would be the gateway on experiencing the things that you never thought you could imagine in your wildest dreams. It was the gateway for me to find the home that I have never thought existed in terms of serving Him spiritually in a community who was raised in the same culture as you.

The gateway? Gaining new friends - friends who would eventually lead you in getting what your heart's desire. That one new friend (Rachel) extended an invitation for me to attend a Filipino-Chinese Catholic Young Adults (FCCYA) National Gathering for three days in Antipolo. I never thought twice about this invitation and agreed to join them (well transportation was indeed an issue, but they resolved it quickly.).

It was funny that this year's FCCYA's theme was Journeying Home, but maybe for my case it was more of someone from the Fil-Chi event learned through our private conversations that I was probably a lost girl aimlessly wandering around looking for a home spiritually and she decided to invite me as we journey together back home serving Him together with other Fil-Chi Catholics in one community 😅.

Thank you so much Rachel for inviting me to join the conference! Thank you for the Sy and Limyuen siblings for adopting me during the trip, the CIRVYS group I formed (Conrad, Achi IC, Rachel, Vanee, Achi Yanyan) and to all the people there who made me feel welcome during the 3-day activity. Lastly, thank you for my COO who has been an ever-supporting boss that when he knew I am going to this kind of a trip, he was so happy for me because at least now, he knew that it would be one step for me to become closer not only to God, but also maybe who knows I might end up looking for my future one, who might also be probably lost like me.

Looking back, I was like thinking I've been doing research for more than a decade at work, and I wondered why in the world did I never thought of doing a research about Filipino-Chinese Catholics? It was a simple Google search like how you search for different things with only your fingers. I mean I was able to obtain information for the more complicated work-related stuff, why can't I find this or even attempted to find it? Then maybe I realized I might not have the urge to attend this - even if I found out about it. Come to think of it, for someone whose MBTI personality is most resistant to change and being thrown in a situation without any safety net; add to the fact that you probably have parents who have zero idea about it (like who are these people?) - I don't think they would even allow me to go without them knowing anybody that would make them at ease.

Maybe I can say now I knew why it made sense that I hit rock bottom (or what He orchestrated so I could hit rock bottom), because maybe God knew I am going to do something about it (through His guidance) and I can say it was paying a huge dividends right now.

They say if God took something away from you or He put you off track, it's because He will either give you something better or He would put you in a much better path that you never thought of.

It was indeed a wonderful and memorable experience that I would cherish forever and I'm finally home. 😊

#fccya12