Pitching Perfect

I'm probably at the stage wherein I don't know where my dating life is going. All I know is most of the events are normally until the age of 35. So what I've been doing this year was go to all events from different Fil-Chi organizers that I've never been to before I turn 36. It's a blessing that my birthday falls after mid autumn so there are more chances of attending events that I've never been to. Well, I think at this phase, I also realized that I'm not ready to get married... or even to be in a committed relationship. So what's there to lose?

Then two months ago, an organization who I never got a chance to attend on any events because of my scared to explore mode and it's late at night came back once again and they entitled their event called "Ichi Superstars".

The concept meant you have to pitch someone why people should date them or even marry them. At first I felt like the concept seem to be scary to do in such an unconventional way in our community. Yes there was the online pitching of a friend during pandemic where everybody got bored and gave enough time to get to know people virtually, but we have to take note that some people were even more willing to do it online rather than in-person.

It's expected that there will be a bit of side comments from the people... but I also noticed that there are other people who wanted to go into a low-risk high reward stake to feed their curiosity without risking embarrassment.

In my mind, I felt like I want to experience this not from an observer's point of view - but for something more. I wanted to pitch! I think I'm at a point wherein I'm tired of hiding in the sense that the friends you've grew up with wasn't the type who would immerse in this kind of the societal norm's embarrassing stuff so you tend to involuntarily follow your friendship norms. The only time you could be what you wanted to be without holding back was when your friends are not around because nobody is going to feel any sense of second-hand embarrassment from whatever you decided to do.

However doing this would be a bit trickier since I can't force people to let me pitch for them if they don't want to get pitched. So my backup plan was to pitch myself if nobody does not want to get pitched. Fortunately, one of the friends I met along in this community was curious on how would someone pitch him. So, there, I have someone to pitch to and he would have an idea how someone will pitch him!

It's been quite a long time since doing a slide presentation that has nothing to do with our company's Monday morning sharing only for you to realize that people are now using Canva as their form of presentation while I'm still using Google Slides that I got accustomed to during my MBA days for crying out loud!

Alas, the day of pitching comes, I have two core friends who attended and I do believe they supported me well as one of them even volunteered to press the screens on my behalf.

Initially, I'm nervous because pitching is different from hosting a company Christmas party. Then whatever mishap you did on your hosting part, your colleagues would forgive you. However, in this pitching event? If you made a horrible mistake, the rumors would spread like wildfire in the small community through various group chats. All I've been praying to God was to make sure whatever I said I wouldn't make the one I'm pitching to get humiliated. That's all I prayed for because I would rather get the flak for my pitching mishaps than the one I'm pitching to receive the insult.

In the end, I appreciate the organizer and the hosts unending support during my pitching presentation. It's my first time doing it and I admit the duration of my knowledge of him was so brief so it would be harder, but I am not making excuses - it was the card I was dealt with and that's another thing that I need to learn how to deal it too. 

I think having hosts who set the tone that the event is a safe space for as long as you adhere to the rules, they would make you feel welcomed and comfortable without judgement. I can feel their sincerity in telling that you did a good job in the presentation even if you thought you didn't or you're literally showing signs of nerves.

I know I may not executed the way I envisioned to, but I could say as someone who is scared of any marketing-related activities most especially when it comes to advertising or selling anything, this is a first brave step for me. For years, I've always believed that I'm not good when it comes to this especially during younger years wherein my mom would force us to sell something in school and I can't even sell a damn thing to my classmates. It's one of the reasons why I dodged these courses that would require me to use my mouth as a primary asset to feed my tummy - I would starve to death!

Looking back, I don't regret on doing the pitching for a friend. I just know if a similar opportunity was given to me once again, there is no way to go but up in terms of self-improvement when it comes to pitching presentation. Some people would learn more by watching. As for me, though I agree that it would have been nice to observe from the sidelines so you'll make fewer mistakes, but sometimes you don't know when will the opportunity knocks again and I feel like in my case I would regret more if I opted to follow the perceived norms which is to observe how the presentation goes rather than boldly take the chance and make some presentation blunders along the way - and I believe that I prepared well enough for me not to regret the important stuff.

I don't know if there's another opportunity that would allow me to do this again, but if this was my last time regardless of whether people want me to pitch for them or not, I am already contented with the experience I gained - most especially overcoming the thought that you can't sell or advertise anything and overcoming the fear of judgement from other people in our small community.

Rules Overload!

This was supposed to be posted a very long time ago [maybe almost 3 months], but for some reason I wasn't able to properly start it due to various reasons. Now as I try to test if my old laptop [or very first laptop that I can call my own that survived three theses writing] could probably survive another thesis writing from a possible user that I plan to lend to despite it's replaced hard disk and quite outdated hardware. Also, putting a goal wherein I wanted this posted first before posting my Vietnam trip on social media.

So, here it goes...

After I finally put into practice last year's Lenten sacrifices, I decided to do it once again, but this time setting exemptions as Lent came early and it was during the love month where there are a lot of events in our community.

If last year, I only limited it to social media usage and eating sweets, this time I tried to include junk foods especially my favorite ones such as chips and most especially the French fries of Potato Corner and Potato Giant or what I call potpots.

As for my sweets, last year I realized that not drinking softdrinks seems to be a very easy feat, because there's an alternative or substitute to satisfy your sweet cravings and maybe during that time where I'm in Toronto for almost two weeks, I end up trying their drinks such as milkshakes instead of the usual softdrinks on their combo meals just to ensure I still get to follow my supposed Lenten sacrifice. I mean I think instead of somehow supposed to make you lose weight, I end up gaining the biggest possible weight (well I guess their servings are also big and you don't want to waste food). That's why this year, I wanted to eliminate all sweets except for fruits... and also if there were cocktails that's part of the activity that you paid for quite a huge amount, you'll drink. Lol!

Then as for my social media usage, I noticed that I haven't been sleeping well or sleeping late because of chatting with a different bunch of people or groups, etc. So I decided to put a time limit on chatting with anybody.

The Verdict:

In my photo, you saw that I listed three major goals for the Lent and perhaps I'll write my possible reflection during this journey.

1. Social media usage:

I think this year I didn't do well as compared to last year. I know I did violate some things such as viewed some people's stories, accidentally liking posts or even intentionally watching the videos they posted for support. I think the worst of all was some of the accounts I follow on Instagram, I noticed they're also on YouTube. So the tendency was instead of using Instagram as a platform to watch the videos that I'm not supposed to watch, I end up watching it on YouTube.

As for my X usage, I think I was able to manage well, but of course there are times where I'm not supposed to read the comments of the people after the headlines, but I end up reading some of it.

As for Facebook and Instagram, I think I did well sans the circumventing part. But I managed not to post anything during the period.

Reflection/Possible Improvement: Overall, I think I did well or maybe I can still watch this one account that normally shows up on Instagram but it's also available on Youtube. After all, my purpose for subscribing these YouTube accounts is for learning except this one account where I was able to circumvent it. Or if someone tag me needing for support, maybe just maybe we could make an exception during the period. Like inviting people to support their activity that falls during Lent or maybe support your vlogger friends.

2. Junk foods:

If I adhere the rules I made here, I think I was almost perfect in here, maybe the downside was I have no choice but to tell people who were offering me the food that I don't plan to eat that I'm on a Lenten sacrifice which I really, really try my best not to broadcast to people, but what can I do? I mean they're offering my favorite Potato Corner and my friends know I wouldn't resist it. If I said I don't like to eat, they would be wondering then tease me for not eating if I didn't give a reason. When I said my reason, I know they somehow did tease me, but doing that gave me a bit of a reason to fight temptation. There was one point wherein they asked me to hold the Tera Fries of the Potato Corner while they eat and drink. I know I didn't get tempted - maybe I did but not enough to probably violate it.

As for the sweets, well I am not sure if you can say that if there's no sugar in it, can you eat it even if it's not a literally fruit? I feel like, if they said it's pure fruit that was formed in another food, is that considered as a fruit that has fructose or a sweet?

Reflection/Possible Improvement: The funny thing about this year's Lent was I think withholding sweets for more than a month was like cleaning my palette; however, it didn't take much effect with salt as salt is part of your BLD (breakfast, lunch, dinner) dishes.

I remember the first time I ordered a milk tea after Easter (not exactly after but I prolonged it into a few more days), when I ordered that the sugar is normal or I think it's 50% or 70% sugar, my taste buds seemed to be screaming "It's too sweet!" as I drink it instead of thinking "I miss this!". It's like I can't finish a drink anymore that whenever I pass a person begging for food, I just give the drink away. I know that's quite insincere idea, but I guess I was torn with wasting it or giving it to someone else whom I think would somehow need it and I chose the later.

As for the salt, I don't know if I became more addicted or because I didn't even have a salt or MSG reset. Like yes I managed not to eat junk food or even instant noodles, but it didn't dodge me from eating canned food as part of our BLD. I guess the reason is I don't cook the food, so that means I can't decide what food to eat or not to eat.

I guess I could continue where I left off in terms of sweets, but as for the junk foods or salty ones, maybe it's a matter of limiting what you would eat even after Lent.

3. Answer Messages After 8pm:

I knew I placed exemptions, but I guess the problem here is what's the boundary or when it's considered you can open message after 8pm despite the exemptions? Because sometimes you need to open those messages because this person or that person need to update stuff.

I mean last year when I didn't post anything on social media, people thought if I'm still alive (well I just made sure I remember those people whose birthday is during Lent so I can greet them and they won't think I'm dead), this year I got accused of ghosting when I didn't reply after 8pm. Lol! I mean next year if I perfected it (since this is just my first time), I don't know what would people think this time.

Reflection/Possible Improvement: I actually have no idea what to do about it. I just know I didn't do well, perhaps it's the first time doing it or the parameters aren't strictly enforced. After all I think messaging is a very tricky one. Like most of the people you know, you converse them with Messenger, while when it comes to work, there's Viber where you also know that there's a clear boundary on when you would be able to communicate with them. Add to the fact that it was a last minute add or a rush add just to make sure you imposed it before Ash Wednesday. It's like you know you need it, but you don't know how you do about it. I think it's a good thing to include this once again, but I think there should be a clearer parameters when it comes to this since this is a very, very tricky situation.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I think doing this is such a fun activity, it's like something you look forward to. As one of my colleague said in their sharing, you don't need to wait for the start of the year to start changing things. If you can't start at the start of the year, perhaps you could start in Chinese New Year, or maybe Lent or maybe within this week as we are about to approach the second half of the year. Oh how time flies isn't it?

Posting this now as I prepare for my next blog!

Imbalanced Scale

As I gained more experience in getting to know the guys I went out with and woke up to the idea that if I don't figure things out myself, I would end up with the perennial cycle of bad dating habits and God might take my future husband away from me because He can't make him wait a little longer. I kept on telling myself that I need to get my act together.

I focused on that until I met probably the most hardcore Atheist that defied your newly formed mantra, but at the same time the what if is looming if you don't take a chance on someone you encountered unexpectedly. After all, everybody wanted a nice story to tell on how they met. It was a very struggling one where the desire to be closer to God or try to separate Him for the sake of having your first relationship that has been offered freely on your plate. Eventually I chose to end it as there was unrest in that phase of my dating life with him.

Then came another guy out of nowhere from one of the events I attended last year. So bizarre that I wasn't giving a crap on whoever is at the event that caught my eye and adding almost everyone on Facebook regardless of gender until there was an another event where I'm so competitive that I almost made our group table won against their table where one of the close male friends I gained from way back was representing their table. We started from me asking if I could add him on Facebook (so to others), then he sent a message if I would attend the next event until after what transpired with the next event where we started to shift away from the events conversation and more of a bit personal info about ourselves. One info I learned initially was we both practice the same faith and he serves the church. In my mind, I already know that this guy is interesting to get to know as I feel like someone like him is so rare to find until he randomly asked me out for a lunch at one of his childhood restaurants. I think it's my first time (outside of blind dates) to meet with someone who I didn't even know the exact age. It's him serving the church and both of us are practicing made me agree to go out with him without hesitation.

The first time we went out, it seems like time is so short even if we both figured out that we had such a huge gap in age. I felt peace when I was with him... Maybe the peace where I'm happy that I can finally talk about God without putting Him aside, but, when he was computing our age gap, I thought that this might be over and I'm also okay with that.

However, that wasn't the case as we still chose to see each other and we normally felt that time wasn't enough until reality strikes where you are not dealing with the huge age gap, you are dealing with financial constraints and your career and lifestyle differences.

It's just frustrating that you know deep down that it's hard to find someone like him; yet you were given a huge obstacle where there is a huge imbalance between the spiritual needs and the financial needs to survive a newly formed family.

If I would recount all the guys I went out with and another guy that I met this year but I eventually turned down due to the misalignment of spiritual goals, it seems like they could offer the financial aspect, but you would have to give up the desire to be spiritually in-sync in serving God.

I think the guy whom I thought gave me peace or who I was wondering if that was the guy that I'll be marrying end up leaving without any parting words. I know it's called ghosting, but it's more of perhaps we both knew that it has something to do with mismatched finances or the difference in the desire to have kids that is in correlation with difference in human timeline.

I'm happy that some of the people I've met were able to marry the one they wanted. I am very positive that they are both spiritually and financially in-sync, thus having a balance between the two crucial scales of discerning marriage.

However, that's not my case, I noticed I either end up with a guy who would be willing to give all the financial aspect of it such as treating you to nice dinners or dessert, but they would not want to get involved in such activity where you show your love to the Lord; or I end up with someone who love the Lord so much, but does not have a concreate plan on how he would lead the family based on his current resources.

Like maybe for some guys that are financially a bit well off, but lacking in spiritual relationship with the Lord (regardless of their chosen faith), they would call you out for being overthinking. A part of you wish that you have a strong personality that you can will your children to serve the Lord and turn the other eye away from what your husband is doing. Or to make life easier, you succumb to what the world was clinging into so that you would have easier access to what your heart desires.

Funny when I've been telling two of the previous guys I went out with, if only you guys met me pre-pandemic, we wouldn't even be talking about these things... because during those times, as long as they meet my criteria, there's no point in discussing about faith. However, during pandemic, that's where I realized maybe the reason why God didn't give me the type of a man I was looking for (it usually lacks one of the three initial criteria that I have - usually the height) was He knew I'll fall for it and I might possibly even be drifted away from Him, especially if I realized my relationship with Him was not as strong as I thought it was. So now, God is probably confident that I would not get swayed, maybe if I did for a bit, he knew that I'll probably choose Him in the end. I know I sometimes cry out of frustration that the solution of the problems of getting your first relationship is easy, but you know you can't take that route because it's not something that aligns with God's plan for you and we know if we go against God's wishes, the suffering would become harder to face. 

When my mom heard what I said, she asked me, do you like to go back to where you're from [in terms of your faith with God]? Do you regret with the path you've chosen? [reading the gospel, voluntarily received the Sacrament of confirmation at an old age and praying before meals] When she asked those things to me, I said I don't regret anything. Like I like where I am right now [in terms of serving God]. Then she replied, stay on course.

Her words made me feel that I shouldn't be giving up that there's still hope that there's someone out there for me. Maybe the guy that I enjoyed being with spiritually was perhaps a sign that there's a possibility, but he was not the one that God intended for me as for me not to lose hope on such things.

I don't know what God's plan was for me, but I really hope that He would give me the balanced scale where I am spiritually in-synced with, at the same time he would give you enough financial cushion that you don't need to downgrade your already simple lifestyle just for the sake of spiritual nourishment.

What 2025 Lenten Season Taught Me?

Before I proceed to my personal reflection regarding Lent Season 2025, let me first assess what was my personal score based on the things I chose to sacrifice during this time of the year. I admit it wasn't perfect, but I could possibly say this is the best performance I did maybe because I really did execute it for some reason.

Lenten Sacrifice

So for this year's Lent, I decided to not post or view any social media (Facebook, Instagram and Twitter or X App) post or stories and also not to drink soda. So let's see how I did and here's hoping you wouldn't think I'm moving goal posts. I'll give a rating from 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest. So we begin with soda...

Soda Rating: 10/10

This one is easy in the sense that maybe I could really survive and I kind of did this kind of abstinence before (accidentally as I got sick and I am about to host that year's Christmas party in our company so I need to make sure I don't get a cold). I think if there would be a bigger challenge, it would be sugary drinks, because to be honest avoiding soda is somehow easy. Of course I have to admit that there is a temptation too especially when people in your household would say drink this, drink that. If there is a bit of challenge, it's saying no to them so you'll be able to achieve your personal gain. I am not saying I am ashamed of saying I am trying to fast on something to the world. However, I felt like broadcasting would mean two things: one, saying you are above than the non-practicing ones; two, if you couldn't make it, you would be judged.

So I end up having to say no to them in two instances with one of them not needing to explain why, and the other I need to because my dad was surprised that I was rejecting something I love that's why he asked, so I told him the truth and he respected it.

Social Media (X App) Rating: 6/10

I would admit I cannot avoid this, thus a poor rating. I am playing my fantasy basketball and if I wanted to get a faster news on which players will play, I would need to go to the profile of NBA Underdog since they knew beforehand who would play or not before Yahoo! would update the status of the players. In order to avoid having to constantly check on my phone, I have no choice but to resort on the X App.

I think if I remove the searching for NBA Underdog, I think I could have a better score, but still quite far from perfect. I think I could not avoid the notifications, but I think I did well considering sometimes reading news and comments and probably rants of other people was the one that placed you down the rabbit hole. So by electing not to read those stuff and not have the itch to post anything, it allows you to either stare at people without using your phone, or use your phone on the more important stuff. I am not sure if my almost two-week trip to Toronto helped my cause on not being tempted to read Twitter. I admit it was hard because it seems like your daily news on what players said that would make it to the national sports news and constantly liking the posts of the people that you agree with or you felt seem funny.

Social Media (Instagram) Rating: 9/10

I still open Instagram, but mostly for message especially that's where my online friend and I were chatting. I still opened the app perhaps to confirm follow request, but if we are talking if I read posts, maybe I did, but that's for the informational side and not what my colleagues or friends are up to. If there is something that is nice here was that I was able to save time instead of pressing their stories, I just let it be. I did tell my Taiwan Roommate on what I was doing so at least she wouldn't feel like a bit upset if I suddenly didn't check her stories as what I usually do.

If there is a good thing that's come out of this was there is this less desire or pressure to take random pictures, because sometimes I just take pictures then put a caption on my stories since it would be gone after 24 hours. There is also less desire to post random thoughts based on the videos that you saw.

Social Media (Facebook) Rating: 7/10

I admit I did check FB posts, but for research purposes and I think I liked my Taiwan Roommates' profile picture and I think the one time I was scratching my head and wondered how come some people knew where I was without me even posting on social media or telling them only to find out my friend who lives in Canada posted it. Other than that, I was probably looking at my profile.

I think the not so perfect rating can come from friends I was chatting with who sends videos, so you were like thinking you need to watch it BUT instead of scrolling to the next video, you immediately leave then probably react or discuss about that matter.

Personally, I don't open much at Facebook as you would feel a lot of negative emotions thinking you aren't doing enough or you are questioning your life based on what other people are posting such as them having their milestones achieved, went into another country etc. But it's good that I still don't open it since it would not only eat much time mindlessly scrolling, but also it would affect your emotions depending on what you saw on the feed.

Learnings

It allowed me to thoroughly self-reflect

It was during this lent when a guy already ended the getting to know stage with me almost 3 months. Normally I would either make a quick rant on X app, cry hysterically, wondered what you did wrong again or all of the above, but since as part of the Lenten sacrifice of not posting, it required me to find other means to express the negative feelings that I was going through that time. I think it's helpful that I was on a social media break because for some reason it allowed me to realize what I did wrong. Yes, it may feel like it was out of your control if they were the ones who end things, but I realized that there were times during where I went out with some of these guys that I should have seen those questionable flags that doesn't even match what I was praying for. That instead of walking away and taking control, I let them take control of my fate. I don't know if the closure help that them saying they aren't interested in you that made me stopped crying unlike the one who ghosted me, or the fact that maybe I already re-aligned my views on what's going on made me stopped crying about it? Regardless, I could say it was indeed a quick recovery because maybe your heart is screaming doubts and your intuition is probably upset once again that I am neglecting the screams it's giving me.

Sit and stare

There are times I wondered what else do I need to do with my phone inside the train after reading the gospel for the day, the novena prayer of whatever you felt like praying that time and probably DuoLingo, like what am I aimlessly wondering or using my phone for if I am on social media hiatus? Then the Viber messages the most likely you'll do is to say good morning to the department GC or just mark as read the group messages.

So there are really times where I am just sitting and staring quietly and the only sound you'll hear is the driver of the train and the chatter around you. I felt like it's not that bad like you're not doing anything. I mean it probably allows my mind to wander and actually rest my eyes from constantly looking at the screen.

Ignorance is a Bliss

In social media, people have different ways of posting and consuming social media. Some they have different reasons why they do that. So whatever they posted, it's up to the viewers on what they do about it, how they react about it. My point here was if you are currently feeling sad and you suddenly saw some posts where they are happy on what you don't have (or you longed to have), you would even feel worse about yourself. Like in my case, the guy ended things with you and you saw how husbands or guys treat their partners and you wonder if someone would treat you that way too and you'll end up crying - again for no reason (or logically petty).

Explanation is not needed... or maybe to select few only

I remember an MBA classmate of mine suddenly messaged and wondered if I am even alive... because I forgot to greet him on his birthday. Like I said, I chose to not engage in social media and it's really possible that I would forget to greet some people even if I knew when was his birthday if you ask me point blank... or I was so preoccupied with my life as his birthday is barely a week before my Canada trip. I didn't need or want to explain to this person that I wasn't posting because I chose it as my sacrifice.

If I remember it right, there were only two or three people that's not a member of our household who knew what was going on during Lent. I know some people broadcasted that they will do a social media hiatus, while I opt to not tell anyone and just silently do it by myself.

Shifting Priorities

I think if there is something good out of this was I think I was able to write more of like this. By writing, it allows me to reflect on the things that I wanted to express that is not sufficient to post on the X app or unnecessary to post on Instagram stories.

Like I previously said, there is no pressure to post, to compose short messages. If I posted about the new food I ate or I ate before but no record on my social media, I just take a picture and when post-Easter comes, I just compile it. At least I don't need to flood much to people that keeps on seeing my food posts. Maybe I could adjust to lumpsum my food posts maybe every week or what since my purpose of the food post was to show people how the food looks like.

Aside from this, for some reason, I think I also cried during the Holy Week, not because of some guy breaking your heart, but I think it's general like I was watching on TV where people share their stories on how they get through their struggles in their life. Like some guy was declared dead, but was suddenly alive and decided to reform from all his wrong-doings. Then a married woman aborted her child and became a changed woman. Then someone from FCCYA sent a video as a means of our reflection and also doing the station of the cross with my mom, which is for some reason the words on the Station of the Cross struck me enough for me to cry and maybe understanding what was these all about.

Conclusion

Overall, I know I was somehow back to square one in trying to get to know someone since everything you built at the start of the year fell apart, but that's okay. I am really thankful that I took this year's Lenten Season very seriously. Yes I cried, but at least I didn't cry for being unwanted... maybe some days, but I know for sure that I am crying for something far greater and important than a prospective spousal love. I don't know if that would come, but at least what I know for now was the things I learned during this Lenten Season made me a stronger person and a more determined one.

It Finally Struck Me

Year after year, we used to do the Way of the Cross every Maundy Thursday as a family until it's only me and my mom who were doing it together for this year.

I knew doing the Visita Iglesia for some practicing Catholics in this country has been the norm. Then I noticed for some reason some people were struck emotionally as they journey through different churches doing the station of the cross. I even saw a lad who after their family's station of the cross that he started to hug each and every one of his family members. I think for me and my mom maybe we felt like thinking what just happened there?

For this year, I think this year's Visita Iglesia hits different on me. Well aside from realizing that I wasn't even listening to my own prayer mantra on finding a spouse (praying that I wanted a pure Chinese practicing Catholic who will love me as me without me settling for less), but I still keep on entertaining or going out with a guy who left me at the church instead of joining me to hear mass as we parted ways despite him being a Catholic by name, yet not practicing one until he said we just settle being friends. I guess rejection is rejection, but the fact that I wasn't practicing what I've prayed for is what gets me into trouble every single time - especially the last one.

It hits different in the sense that I was digesting the words that I was reading from the story, to reflection and to the prayer. For all the years I did this, I never cried until yesterday. What struck me the most was during the second station (The Agony in Gethsemane), where Jesus was praying so earnestly and  he kept on praying to his Father saying 

"My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by. Still, let it be as you would have it, not as I." 

I knew my mom was the one reading it aloud that time and I admit I was trying to get back to the phrase and I realized a lot of things from that phrase alone.

It made me realize that there's a reason why preachers and pastors kept on saying that we should be like Jesus. I know it is very impossible to be like Jesus, but reading those lines makes me realize that Jesus is a human made in the image of God. I am not saying that He makes mistake etc., but I think it's more of he is human in the sense that what we are experiencing, he also experienced. He experienced fear much like as we experience fear whenever there's a trial in our life. The line also mentioned that He is also trusting His Father to do what needs to be done. The good thing about Jesus being a son of God too was He could see the future... see the future in the sense of He knows He needs to endure the suffering from mankind and die on the cross so that all sins will be forgiven. It's just that it seems to be hard to phantom for someone to deal with that without knowing what the future holds. I mean if we are asked to do the same thing, are we going to surrender ourselves to the Lord and let His will be done? Or we would run away from it?

I realized maybe sometimes things has to happen and it has to be at the right time. If we kept on reading the Gospel during Lent, Jesus kept on saying to his disciples that the hour has not yet arrived, so He was able to get away from the Pharisees and people who wanted him to be in prison - until the Holy Week has arrived where Jesus knew that his time is about to come from saying that there will be a traitor among the Apostles until Judas sold Jesus for 30 pieces of silver.

The difference was, Jesus knew that He has to make a decision on whether He would heed His Father's will to save humanity and whatever His decision will be will go through. Unlike us normal human beings, we sometimes have to retrospect things just for us to realize that it make sense. That things have to happen in order to achieve the one God wanted to happen. I mean one instance where I couldn't understand why I needed to get emotionally hurt badly only for me to retrospect months later that God has set me something up for a greater good - that sinking rock-bottom would allow me to find the Spiritual home my heart was yearning for. I think if I'm not mistaken, I think I just gave up on the idea that maybe there's no such thing or I was probably asking for too much until I met friends in the Chinese community who would help me lead me to the home I never imagined.

As for my current sufferings or struggles, I don't know what the future holds for me - why I kept on failing the same thing - well I think as of now all I know is that I'm wide awake (enter singing Katy Perry's song) that if I don't get my act together, God would really take my future husband away from me - for good.

Right now, I think the continuous crying from Maundy Thursday until Good Friday either through the Station of the Cross Journey or to listening to testimonials from people on how God showed His love them sure did some internal cleaning on my part to realize that as long as we have the Holy Trinity in our side - that we kept on believing and trusting in them, we should be fine. I think if there is something we should pick up was Jesus' whole trust on His Father that even if He would suffer greatly in the hands of the soldiers and the people who wanted him to be crucified, that He knew His Father will be by his side. I guess similar to how parents let their children fail on the petty things in life so they become stronger - like they allow them to fall from riding a bike and let them get up on their own. It also made me realize how many times my mother let me suffer things by myself through a lot of disasters because she knew that those mistakes that I would be doing wouldn't define who I am - but how I recover or get up from those failures would define who I am. I know deep down she is very proud of who I am right now and I think she never imagine that I would be doing wonders.

So I guess the saying in every song where you like the beat when you're happy and feel the lyrics when your sad is true. I mean if before I was just going through the motions on reading aloud the Stations of the Cross, right now armed with a Spiritual home plus the pain you've been through, the words became more meaningful - and it finally struck me.

Seven - Seven

Seven years and seven months ago, I was handed a task from the youngest colleague in our department as she shifted to a bigger task that our department head assigned to her.

I wouldn’t lie that the task is extremely monotonous and I only have to do it every Monday as the main doer of the task reports to work from Tuesdays to Saturdays. Even if the Saturday team found someone to help them and the main doer of the task is shifted back on weekdays, I still do the task because it has been the norm.

For seven years and seven months, I learned to like the task. As someone who thrives on routine tasks, it was one of the things that I somehow look forward to despite the unpredictable nature of my other tasks. It wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies on doing this task, there are times where I wanna cry because the companies decided to mass send reports into a particular day that I was assigned to do the task.

Imagine during those years, aside from dealing with what we called the seasonal tasks, I’ve also encountered the mandatory change of phone numbers and contingency plan in the midst of COVID where the number of reports would almost double or even triple.

I would sometimes pretend to cry or wail to the main person assigned to that task and then I would sometimes post it on stories (of course confidential info removed), she would just laugh about it as she knew the surge of reports on that particular season would either fall into her hands or into mine.

To be honest, it has been years already since my COO asked me to let go of the task and other tasks my department asked me of, I was the only one holding on… because I would always say people have a lot on their plate so it’s my way of helping the department as a form of a reliever… and this is one the task that I was holding on to.

As much as it sometimes takes a burden, I actually enjoyed doing it, especially a task that doesn’t require much thinking and would actually make you look productive.

Until the first Monday of December came, My COO and I had a very serious talk regarding my tasks in my department. If I wanted to help the company, I have to let go of the things that were holding me back… let go of the things and entrust to the people who would be better off doing it as you deal with more complicated tasks. Similar to that colleague of mine who handed the same task over to me seven years and seven months ago. Finally, I agreed to let go… knowing that it is for the betterment to let go of some things. I guess one can say that things don’t last forever and one should thrive in change… and if we don’t, we would be stuck and we are not only hindering ourselves to grow, but we are also hindering other people to grow or learn other things.

And so as the last working day of the year concludes, it is time to say my one last goodbye as I entrust the task to the next person who would take care of it… and this means I can now focus on what is ahead of me... particularly the tasks where I could help the company more.

So for seven years and seven months, I am saying my last goodbye to the tasks that despite its boredom and sometimes makes me go cray cray, I eventually learn to like and look forward to.

When the Tables are Turned

I remember 6 Christmases ago, I didn’t know what I wanted for Christmas as part of our company’s exchange gift. I felt disheartened the last time that same department hosted one. I mean I felt like whoever was my parent that year 2015 just put the items on a Robinson’s paper bag without at least putting a tape or wrap it or something. As a person who wants to wait for Christmas Eve before opening presents, I end up taking it out of the paper bag because what’s the point if the items were already exposed right?

So fast forward a bit to 2018, I knew that I wouldn’t be present at the party as I was going on a China Study tour. I know it sounds weird, but if there is an opportunity that would allow you to go there even at the age of 28 years old and at a cheaper rate (well my parents paid for the study tour), why not right?

I was like maybe I wanted to do something different. I believe in the saying that if it’s yours, it’s yours. With a surplus of my allowance for donation/tithes, what I did was to add additional money on top of the amount of exchange gift worth to someone where they will use those money to help someone they need to their liking. The catch? It has to be converted into goods and you give it to those in need. I mean if you just put the money into the bank account of any charitable institution, there’s no thrill, might as well I’ll be the one to do it right?

I really felt like it’s a good idea, but as much as you don't need to spend much, the downside of this was it’s time consuming. Then you’ll have to factor in if they will be trustworthy enough. To cut the story short, the one who got it didn’t get pissed off or something. I think she had fun doing it. I mean she ends up giving food to street children. Mind you it’s not even leftovers alright.

So fast forward to yesterday, I joined FCCYA’s Christmas gift giving drive where we helped packed goods so we could give to the street children.

Well I’ve been doing that in the sense of getting some leftovers or about to be expired food and just drop it off to any people living in the streets whether they are asleep or awake. 😅

So here goes the actual gift giving where we are inside the car looking for street kids around Manila. At first it was tough looking for them, then because it’s Christmas season, a lot of people were also doing the same thing. So what our group did was we went to places where there are less crowds so we could properly give it to them without us being swarmed.

I mean as much as it’s only for kids, it’s disheartening that some adults were either lying or might be telling the truth that they have kids but weren't around or kids who claim that they have siblings but weren’t present.

In the end we were able to give all 120 packs of goodies to the children with me being swarmed by the kids in the last gift giving (as I was seated on the window side) 😅.

I don’t know if my parent in 2018 felt the same way I felt. Like although it’s tiring, you feel joy about giving to those who are in need.

I think that’s what I felt. Maybe it’s not bad if the opportunity allows you to do those things again right?