What 2025 Lenten Season Taught Me?

Before I proceed to my personal reflection regarding Lent Season 2025, let me first assess what was my personal score based on the things I chose to sacrifice during this time of the year. I admit it wasn't perfect, but I could possibly say this is the best performance I did maybe because I really did execute it for some reason.

Lenten Sacrifice

So for this year's Lent, I decided to not post or view any social media (Facebook, Instagram and Twitter or X App) post or stories and also not to drink soda. So let's see how I did and here's hoping you wouldn't think I'm moving goal posts. I'll give a rating from 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest. So we begin with soda...

Soda Rating: 10/10

This one is easy in the sense that maybe I could really survive and I kind of did this kind of abstinence before (accidentally as I got sick and I am about to host that year's Christmas party in our company so I need to make sure I don't get a cold). I think if there would be a bigger challenge, it would be sugary drinks, because to be honest avoiding soda is somehow easy. Of course I have to admit that there is a temptation too especially when people in your household would say drink this, drink that. If there is a bit of challenge, it's saying no to them so you'll be able to achieve your personal gain. I am not saying I am ashamed of saying I am trying to fast on something to the world. However, I felt like broadcasting would mean two things: one, saying you are above than the non-practicing ones; two, if you couldn't make it, you would be judged.

So I end up having to say no to them in two instances with one of them not needing to explain why, and the other I need to because my dad was surprised that I was rejecting something I love that's why he asked, so I told him the truth and he respected it.

Social Media (X App) Rating: 6/10

I would admit I cannot avoid this, thus a poor rating. I am playing my fantasy basketball and if I wanted to get a faster news on which players will play, I would need to go to the profile of NBA Underdog since they knew beforehand who would play or not before Yahoo! would update the status of the players. In order to avoid having to constantly check on my phone, I have no choice but to resort on the X App.

I think if I remove the searching for NBA Underdog, I think I could have a better score, but still quite far from perfect. I think I could not avoid the notifications, but I think I did well considering sometimes reading news and comments and probably rants of other people was the one that placed you down the rabbit hole. So by electing not to read those stuff and not have the itch to post anything, it allows you to either stare at people without using your phone, or use your phone on the more important stuff. I am not sure if my almost two-week trip to Toronto helped my cause on not being tempted to read Twitter. I admit it was hard because it seems like your daily news on what players said that would make it to the national sports news and constantly liking the posts of the people that you agree with or you felt seem funny.

Social Media (Instagram) Rating: 9/10

I still open Instagram, but mostly for message especially that's where my online friend and I were chatting. I still opened the app perhaps to confirm follow request, but if we are talking if I read posts, maybe I did, but that's for the informational side and not what my colleagues or friends are up to. If there is something that is nice here was that I was able to save time instead of pressing their stories, I just let it be. I did tell my Taiwan Roommate on what I was doing so at least she wouldn't feel like a bit upset if I suddenly didn't check her stories as what I usually do.

If there is a good thing that's come out of this was there is this less desire or pressure to take random pictures, because sometimes I just take pictures then put a caption on my stories since it would be gone after 24 hours. There is also less desire to post random thoughts based on the videos that you saw.

Social Media (Facebook) Rating: 7/10

I admit I did check FB posts, but for research purposes and I think I liked my Taiwan Roommates' profile picture and I think the one time I was scratching my head and wondered how come some people knew where I was without me even posting on social media or telling them only to find out my friend who lives in Canada posted it. Other than that, I was probably looking at my profile.

I think the not so perfect rating can come from friends I was chatting with who sends videos, so you were like thinking you need to watch it BUT instead of scrolling to the next video, you immediately leave then probably react or discuss about that matter.

Personally, I don't open much at Facebook as you would feel a lot of negative emotions thinking you aren't doing enough or you are questioning your life based on what other people are posting such as them having their milestones achieved, went into another country etc. But it's good that I still don't open it since it would not only eat much time mindlessly scrolling, but also it would affect your emotions depending on what you saw on the feed.

Learnings

It allowed me to thoroughly self-reflect

It was during this lent when a guy already ended the getting to know stage with me almost 3 months. Normally I would either make a quick rant on X app, cry hysterically, wondered what you did wrong again or all of the above, but since as part of the Lenten sacrifice of not posting, it required me to find other means to express the negative feelings that I was going through that time. I think it's helpful that I was on a social media break because for some reason it allowed me to realize what I did wrong. Yes, it may feel like it was out of your control if they were the ones who end things, but I realized that there were times during where I went out with some of these guys that I should have seen those questionable flags that doesn't even match what I was praying for. That instead of walking away and taking control, I let them take control of my fate. I don't know if the closure help that them saying they aren't interested in you that made me stopped crying unlike the one who ghosted me, or the fact that maybe I already re-aligned my views on what's going on made me stopped crying about it? Regardless, I could say it was indeed a quick recovery because maybe your heart is screaming doubts and your intuition is probably upset once again that I am neglecting the screams it's giving me.

Sit and stare

There are times I wondered what else do I need to do with my phone inside the train after reading the gospel for the day, the novena prayer of whatever you felt like praying that time and probably DuoLingo, like what am I aimlessly wondering or using my phone for if I am on social media hiatus? Then the Viber messages the most likely you'll do is to say good morning to the department GC or just mark as read the group messages.

So there are really times where I am just sitting and staring quietly and the only sound you'll hear is the driver of the train and the chatter around you. I felt like it's not that bad like you're not doing anything. I mean it probably allows my mind to wander and actually rest my eyes from constantly looking at the screen.

Ignorance is a Bliss

In social media, people have different ways of posting and consuming social media. Some they have different reasons why they do that. So whatever they posted, it's up to the viewers on what they do about it, how they react about it. My point here was if you are currently feeling sad and you suddenly saw some posts where they are happy on what you don't have (or you longed to have), you would even feel worse about yourself. Like in my case, the guy ended things with you and you saw how husbands or guys treat their partners and you wonder if someone would treat you that way too and you'll end up crying - again for no reason (or logically petty).

Explanation is not needed... or maybe to select few only

I remember an MBA classmate of mine suddenly messaged and wondered if I am even alive... because I forgot to greet him on his birthday. Like I said, I chose to not engage in social media and it's really possible that I would forget to greet some people even if I knew when was his birthday if you ask me point blank... or I was so preoccupied with my life as his birthday is barely a week before my Canada trip. I didn't need or want to explain to this person that I wasn't posting because I chose it as my sacrifice.

If I remember it right, there were only two or three people that's not a member of our household who knew what was going on during Lent. I know some people broadcasted that they will do a social media hiatus, while I opt to not tell anyone and just silently do it by myself.

Shifting Priorities

I think if there is something good out of this was I think I was able to write more of like this. By writing, it allows me to reflect on the things that I wanted to express that is not sufficient to post on the X app or unnecessary to post on Instagram stories.

Like I previously said, there is no pressure to post, to compose short messages. If I posted about the new food I ate or I ate before but no record on my social media, I just take a picture and when post-Easter comes, I just compile it. At least I don't need to flood much to people that keeps on seeing my food posts. Maybe I could adjust to lumpsum my food posts maybe every week or what since my purpose of the food post was to show people how the food looks like.

Aside from this, for some reason, I think I also cried during the Holy Week, not because of some guy breaking your heart, but I think it's general like I was watching on TV where people share their stories on how they get through their struggles in their life. Like some guy was declared dead, but was suddenly alive and decided to reform from all his wrong-doings. Then a married woman aborted her child and became a changed woman. Then someone from FCCYA sent a video as a means of our reflection and also doing the station of the cross with my mom, which is for some reason the words on the Station of the Cross struck me enough for me to cry and maybe understanding what was these all about.

Conclusion

Overall, I know I was somehow back to square one in trying to get to know someone since everything you built at the start of the year fell apart, but that's okay. I am really thankful that I took this year's Lenten Season very seriously. Yes I cried, but at least I didn't cry for being unwanted... maybe some days, but I know for sure that I am crying for something far greater and important than a prospective spousal love. I don't know if that would come, but at least what I know for now was the things I learned during this Lenten Season made me a stronger person and a more determined one.

It Finally Struck Me

Year after year, we used to do the Way of the Cross every Maundy Thursday as a family until it's only me and my mom who were doing it together for this year.

I knew doing the Visita Iglesia for some practicing Catholics in this country has been the norm. Then I noticed for some reason some people were struck emotionally as they journey through different churches doing the station of the cross. I even saw a lad who after their family's station of the cross that he started to hug each and every one of his family members. I think for me and my mom maybe we felt like thinking what just happened there?

For this year, I think this year's Visita Iglesia hits different on me. Well aside from realizing that I wasn't even listening to my own prayer mantra on finding a spouse (praying that I wanted a pure Chinese practicing Catholic who will love me as me without me settling for less), but I still keep on entertaining or going out with a guy who left me at the church instead of joining me to hear mass as we parted ways despite him being a Catholic by name, yet not practicing one until he said we just settle being friends. I guess rejection is rejection, but the fact that I wasn't practicing what I've prayed for is what gets me into trouble every single time - especially the last one.

It hits different in the sense that I was digesting the words that I was reading from the story, to reflection and to the prayer. For all the years I did this, I never cried until yesterday. What struck me the most was during the second station (The Agony in Gethsemane), where Jesus was praying so earnestly and  he kept on praying to his Father saying 

"My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by. Still, let it be as you would have it, not as I." 

I knew my mom was the one reading it aloud that time and I admit I was trying to get back to the phrase and I realized a lot of things from that phrase alone.

It made me realize that there's a reason why preachers and pastors kept on saying that we should be like Jesus. I know it is very impossible to be like Jesus, but reading those lines makes me realize that Jesus is a human made in the image of God. I am not saying that He makes mistake etc., but I think it's more of he is human in the sense that what we are experiencing, he also experienced. He experienced fear much like as we experience fear whenever there's a trial in our life. The line also mentioned that He is also trusting His Father to do what needs to be done. The good thing about Jesus being a son of God too was He could see the future... see the future in the sense of He knows He needs to endure the suffering from mankind and die on the cross so that all sins will be forgiven. It's just that it seems to be hard to phantom for someone to deal with that without knowing what the future holds. I mean if we are asked to do the same thing, are we going to surrender ourselves to the Lord and let His will be done? Or we would run away from it?

I realized maybe sometimes things has to happen and it has to be at the right time. If we kept on reading the Gospel during Lent, Jesus kept on saying to his disciples that the hour has not yet arrived, so He was able to get away from the Pharisees and people who wanted him to be in prison - until the Holy Week has arrived where Jesus knew that his time is about to come from saying that there will be a traitor among the Apostles until Judas sold Jesus for 30 pieces of silver.

The difference was, Jesus knew that He has to make a decision on whether He would heed His Father's will to save humanity and whatever His decision will be will go through. Unlike us normal human beings, we sometimes have to retrospect things just for us to realize that it make sense. That things have to happen in order to achieve the one God wanted to happen. I mean one instance where I couldn't understand why I needed to get emotionally hurt badly only for me to retrospect months later that God has set me something up for a greater good - that sinking rock-bottom would allow me to find the Spiritual home my heart was yearning for. I think if I'm not mistaken, I think I just gave up on the idea that maybe there's no such thing or I was probably asking for too much until I met friends in the Chinese community who would help me lead me to the home I never imagined.

As for my current sufferings or struggles, I don't know what the future holds for me - why I kept on failing the same thing - well I think as of now all I know is that I'm wide awake (enter singing Katy Perry's song) that if I don't get my act together, God would really take my future husband away from me - for good.

Right now, I think the continuous crying from Maundy Thursday until Good Friday either through the Station of the Cross Journey or to listening to testimonials from people on how God showed His love them sure did some internal cleaning on my part to realize that as long as we have the Holy Trinity in our side - that we kept on believing and trusting in them, we should be fine. I think if there is something we should pick up was Jesus' whole trust on His Father that even if He would suffer greatly in the hands of the soldiers and the people who wanted him to be crucified, that He knew His Father will be by his side. I guess similar to how parents let their children fail on the petty things in life so they become stronger - like they allow them to fall from riding a bike and let them get up on their own. It also made me realize how many times my mother let me suffer things by myself through a lot of disasters because she knew that those mistakes that I would be doing wouldn't define who I am - but how I recover or get up from those failures would define who I am. I know deep down she is very proud of who I am right now and I think she never imagine that I would be doing wonders.

So I guess the saying in every song where you like the beat when you're happy and feel the lyrics when your sad is true. I mean if before I was just going through the motions on reading aloud the Stations of the Cross, right now armed with a Spiritual home plus the pain you've been through, the words became more meaningful - and it finally struck me.

Seven - Seven

Seven years and seven months ago, I was handed a task from the youngest colleague in our department as she shifted to a bigger task that our department head assigned to her.

I wouldn’t lie that the task is extremely monotonous and I only have to do it every Monday as the main doer of the task reports to work from Tuesdays to Saturdays. Even if the Saturday team found someone to help them and the main doer of the task is shifted back on weekdays, I still do the task because it has been the norm.

For seven years and seven months, I learned to like the task. As someone who thrives on routine tasks, it was one of the things that I somehow look forward to despite the unpredictable nature of my other tasks. It wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies on doing this task, there are times where I wanna cry because the companies decided to mass send reports into a particular day that I was assigned to do the task.

Imagine during those years, aside from dealing with what we called the seasonal tasks, I’ve also encountered the mandatory change of phone numbers and contingency plan in the midst of COVID where the number of reports would almost double or even triple.

I would sometimes pretend to cry or wail to the main person assigned to that task and then I would sometimes post it on stories (of course confidential info removed), she would just laugh about it as she knew the surge of reports on that particular season would either fall into her hands or into mine.

To be honest, it has been years already since my COO asked me to let go of the task and other tasks my department asked me of, I was the only one holding on… because I would always say people have a lot on their plate so it’s my way of helping the department as a form of a reliever… and this is one the task that I was holding on to.

As much as it sometimes takes a burden, I actually enjoyed doing it, especially a task that doesn’t require much thinking and would actually make you look productive.

Until the first Monday of December came, My COO and I had a very serious talk regarding my tasks in my department. If I wanted to help the company, I have to let go of the things that were holding me back… let go of the things and entrust to the people who would be better off doing it as you deal with more complicated tasks. Similar to that colleague of mine who handed the same task over to me seven years and seven months ago. Finally, I agreed to let go… knowing that it is for the betterment to let go of some things. I guess one can say that things don’t last forever and one should thrive in change… and if we don’t, we would be stuck and we are not only hindering ourselves to grow, but we are also hindering other people to grow or learn other things.

And so as the last working day of the year concludes, it is time to say my one last goodbye as I entrust the task to the next person who would take care of it… and this means I can now focus on what is ahead of me... particularly the tasks where I could help the company more.

So for seven years and seven months, I am saying my last goodbye to the tasks that despite its boredom and sometimes makes me go cray cray, I eventually learn to like and look forward to.

When the Tables are Turned

I remember 6 Christmases ago, I didn’t know what I wanted for Christmas as part of our company’s exchange gift. I felt disheartened the last time that same department hosted one. I mean I felt like whoever was my parent that year 2015 just put the items on a Robinson’s paper bag without at least putting a tape or wrap it or something. As a person who wants to wait for Christmas Eve before opening presents, I end up taking it out of the paper bag because what’s the point if the items were already exposed right?

So fast forward a bit to 2018, I knew that I wouldn’t be present at the party as I was going on a China Study tour. I know it sounds weird, but if there is an opportunity that would allow you to go there even at the age of 28 years old and at a cheaper rate (well my parents paid for the study tour), why not right?

I was like maybe I wanted to do something different. I believe in the saying that if it’s yours, it’s yours. With a surplus of my allowance for donation/tithes, what I did was to add additional money on top of the amount of exchange gift worth to someone where they will use those money to help someone they need to their liking. The catch? It has to be converted into goods and you give it to those in need. I mean if you just put the money into the bank account of any charitable institution, there’s no thrill, might as well I’ll be the one to do it right?

I really felt like it’s a good idea, but as much as you won’t like to spend much, the downside of this was it’s time consuming. Then you’ll have to factor in if they will be trustworthy enough. To cut the story short, the one who got it didn’t get pissed off or something. I think she had fun doing it. I mean she ends up giving food to street children. Mind you it’s not even leftovers alright.

So fast forward to yesterday, I joined FCCYA’s Christmas gift giving drive where we helped packed goods so we could give to the street children.

Well I’ve been doing that in the sense of getting some leftovers or about to be expired food and just drop it off to any people living in the streets whether they are asleep or awake. 😅

So here goes the actual gift giving where we are inside the car looking for street kids around Manila. At first it was tough looking for them, then because it’s Christmas season, a lot of people were also doing the same thing. So what our group did was we went to places where there are less crowds so we could properly give it to them without us being swarmed.

I mean as much as it’s only for kids, it’s disheartening that some adults were either lying or might be telling the truth that they have kids but weren't around or kids who claim that they have siblings but weren’t present.

In the end we were able to give all 120 packs of goodies to the children with me being swarmed by the kids in the last gift giving (as I was seated on the window side) 😅.

I don’t know if my parent in 2018 felt the same way I felt. Like although it’s tiring, you feel joy about giving to those who are in need.

I think that’s what I felt. Maybe it’s not bad if the opportunity allows you to do those things again right?

Spillover

That Monday after my visit to He Cares Mission (see previous blog here), we have this weekly company meetings via Zoom. These company meetings is where the HR will assign a speaker every week to do a prayer and their respective sharing of whatever. Then if the highest officer is present, they may add additional insight or call someone else whoever they feel like calling to share whatever the topic the speaker decided to share that day. Or if they felt like the message is extremely clear, they'll wrap it up and say have a great work week and bade their goodbyes to us.

Backstory: Sharing was never, ever my forte. For some reason I felt like I couldn't inspire people. Like what article or story am I going to share to inspire my colleagues? I tried to do a different route when I was asked to do the talk for the first time, but I felt like it was not accepted well. So I just find some random sharing to fit the norm and I just focused on refining my prayer instead. I think it was funny that there was one time I was assigned to be a speaker on an Easter Monday and instead of my COO commenting on the story I shared, he commented on the prayer. That's probably how bad the stories I shared with them.

Then came in pandemic, I was like why don't we take advantage of the Zoom? So by the time I was assigned as a speaker, what I did this time was to sought permission from the HR that I'll be doing this or that activity and if she would permit me to use a PowerPoint presentation. I'm glad that she permitted me to do so since she also mentioned that it was kind of getting boring in addition to it would be nice we we utilize the application since they paid for it. Aside from this, I also got a blessing from the Chief Design Officer (who now presides the Monday meetings should the CEO not be around that day).

So basically if I was the speaker, I could never, ever find a suitable article or story or even a quote that would make people relate, cry, or become emotional. I just have to play with my strengths - as long as the HR head gave the blessing of course.

Okay back to the main topic.

So that day (September 2, 2024), it was one of my assistant department managers who was assigned to do the sharing. She shared a story (see the full story here) highlighting Mother Teresa's quote of 

“It is not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”

After her talk, the CEO was surprisingly present that day and he didn't share much since he mentioned it was Mother Teresa. So what he did was he asked the assigned speaker to call somebody else to share. I'll be honest, for some reason I felt like I'll be called. The funny thing was he was never present in all the times I was assigned to be a speaker for the past 11 years and probably counting. Also, he only heard me talk twice during Monday meetings for the past eleven years (first day at work to introduce ourselves in front of our new colleagues, and September 25 of last year where the topic is about coffee being associated with life and I was being called to share by someone that was initially called by the assigned speaker).

I was indeed called by my assistant department manager to share insights about what she shared. To be honest, I didn't remember the rest of the sharing. The quote she mentioned already struck me enough to know that I would have something to say about it.

So I told them my experience in doing outreach that Saturday - it was recent - very recent and fresh. I explained what I wrote in my previous blog that I said I usually just give money, but that time it was different. I was giving time and effort. If I am not mistaken I was about to break into tears and I think it was good that I didn't turn on my Zoom video that time so nobody could see that I was about to cry. Of course I never forgot to mention He Cares Mission and the street children.

After I shared my story, I thought it was like a quick acknowledgement or thank you and we move on or I call on the next one who can share; well I think what happened was even the CEO was extremely surprised with what I shared to them. So surprised that he actually asked further questions such as how did I end up there and where is the place located? So I have to give him (and the whole colleagues in attendance) a background story that I joined a Fil-Chi Catholic community and there's an activity where somebody just wanted to celebrate her birthday and inviting people who will join her blah blah. Then I said according to Google Maps it's located in Quezon City (see He Cares Mission Website here).

So after back and forth Q&A with the CEO on that Monday Zoom Meeting, I ended with thanking our assistant department manager for allowing me to share only to be told by your CEO that I was really meant to share that day.

After the Monday meeting, I immediately shared what happened to that Monday meeting to the CIRVYS group I formed and also to the birthday celebrant (I mean if it wasn't for her inviting me, I wouldn't even be sharing the story to the whole company so she has to know too). I realized that the new found Filipino-Chinese Catholic community I found was so amazed that the company that I'm with was doing something that perhaps deep in their hearts they would have wanted to - which is for the bosses to acknowledge God in the workplace. I guess they always say you take granted of the things that other people are yearning deep in their heart.

After that Monday meeting, I also realized that I shouldn't be like super surprised that I was called that day. It entered in my head that I actually posted on Facebook that I was in an outreach that day. It wasn't as detailed as the previous blog, but it dawned on me that I saw that the assistant department manager saw my post and reacted on it. I mean if I'm the assistant department manager, I would call that person too if I saw their post that's related to the story you're about to share.

That day I also needed to report on site, so when I reached the site, it's so amazing that even if the meeting was already over, my two C-suite members were talking about it with me. Of course I could now expand things without worrying if you would put an inconvenience in the time of other people. Only my COO knew that I've found a place where I could freely practice myself being a Filipino-Chinese Catholic so maybe if there's someone who was least surprised with what I shared on that Monday meeting, it was him - since he knew my journey from life, love and faith. He mentioned that he too also had the same sentiments as the CEO where they opt not to discuss or expound further about Mother Teresa - because it's Mother Teresa. He also said that he really thinks that it was meant for me to share that day. I mean I rarely get called anyways.

So days have passed, I wasn't able to clearly share the happenings to my assistant department manager as the only thing we did was a quick exchange of text from her thanking me that I shared and that's it. I didn't know that a lot of things would still happen after that exchange of messages. So fast forward to that day when the assistant department manager and I happened to leave the office together that I shared everything. She told me you know I was about to call this employee until I saw your name on the Zoom meeting and I thought it's better if I'll call you instead.

Her words made you further conclude that everything really falls according to God's plan. Perhaps God knows that people wouldn't focus much on posts related to outreach except for people who is into God and helping people. He probably also knew that my untypical wiring of my brain wouldn't even think of sharing that in front of my colleagues because you're so worried that you will always be an inconvenience and they are also so impatient like if only they can be exempted in not attending, they'll freely do so... and then there's I'm already done with my sharing part for the year or cycle so they cannot ask me to share again. 😅

All I can say that God indeed works in mysterious ways. If you think that you are incapable of doing it, He would find a way to technically force you to do something you would never imagine. I mean it wasn't like an impulsive action that would crush your heart into a million pieces. It's a matter of God ensuring me that there is nothing for me to be worried about in sharing my experience to my colleagues. That it's okay to share what God entrusted you to share that day even if some of them might get annoyed at you prolonging every second of them listening to what you say instead of them focusing what they deemed important, or even if the sharing turned into a quick dialogue between you and the top boss as they are curious about what you shared, it assured me that it's okay. It's the top boss that's asking. If he is impatient and felt what I said was unimportant, he would have wrapped up the meeting after I spoke.

If there is something I learned from the outreach experience and sharing it to the whole company was that you'll realize that perhaps God used me as an instrument to share or probably inspire someone. Whoever it was, I don't know. Aside from this, I realized you shouldn't take something for granted. I mean how blessed you could be that you can still manage to practice your own faith in a place where whatever your religious belief was, they would allow you to share and inspire other people? Like some people said, not everybody is given an opportunity to share something without holding them back. You just have to know how to use or take advantage well.

No Strings Attached: A Visit at He Cares Mission

 

A week after attending FCCYA's National Gathering (see previous blog regarding this), a fellow Fil-Chi Catholic sent an invitation to the group chat, that they previously created for the purpose of National Gathering, that they are going to held an outreach activity that Saturday and there will be an opening mass at St. Peter the Apostle Parish at 6:30am on that Saturday.

Still being new in the group and the community itself (like how do they operate?), you would technically not know what it was all about and be like all in the I wanna try it mode.

Off Track: In the middle of the week from the National Gathering and the day of the outreach activity, I attended a Gospel reflection where Father Peter Tieng presided the Gospel and he would explain all the readings - most especially the Gospel. It's like an extended homily, but now it allows you to ask him questions which normal masses never gave us opportunity to. I could say it was also probably one of the first times I've encountered as a Catholic (well I didn't include me being a Filipino-Chinese since I think it's open to all lineage). If I'm not mistaken I think I already encountered somewhat similar to this Gospel sharing I think it's called Tahanan ng Pagmamahal but that one does not involve a priest explaining but more of some lay minister and they include praise and worship I think. I think I only attended there once because I sent a prayer request for my friend something like that. After that, it's gone.

So back to the main blog, the caveat: I don't even know if I could make it. I think there was a bible saying that says it's better for someone to not agree then complied than the one who agreed, but didn't comply. You see I have to make sure to do some receivables from our mom and pop business every Friday night. I don't know how fast I could finish the task. However, it says on the photo invite that it's RSVP. Which means I have to commit on joining. So I bravely messaged the organizer and inquire if I we really need to reserve. She did say that she'll write my name. I still said I cannot promise.

The day has arrived. I think I woke up like 4:30am because I felt like I have to make it. The night before everything falls into place like I finished all my errands before 9pm. So I did whatever that was needed to be done like prepare stuff for that event etc. Oh, have I forgot that there's no LRT train that time so I really have to ride a jeepney going to UN Avenue?

So as I traveled to St. Peter Church, I read the messages and saw it's one of the outreach organizer's birthday. I was like ah, it make sense. It's her birthday, but she opted to spend her birthday on doing outreach. So it wasn't like a Fil-Chi Catholic Activity, but more of a personal choice and she just made it like an organization's activity. Normally, if I knew it was someone's birthday, I would give gifts (of course I somehow already created rapport with them). I could have picked those tin-can cookies that we bought from Duty-free, but I realized you know it doesn't matter if I didn't give because how am I supposed to know it's her birthday? Also, maybe it might be a little heartless gift or whatsoever.

As I reached the place and looked around wondering where are they and minutes before the mass started, I just realized that the place for the mass is not the same as the place for the outreach. I searched and realized the place was in Quezon City. I was like being silently hysterical like how am I supposed to go there? I don't even know people around the place - like I told you guys it's my first time. I was thinking am I doing all these things in vain? I'll be honest I was only half listening to the mass and maybe tried to peek on the phone (even if it's not allowed) because I don't know what was going on. Thankfully I already knew the gist of the Gospel reading, but I knew I was still so worried about it because I can't see anybody. As the priest wraps up his Homily, I saw the birthday celebrant on the side of the church wearing the FCCYA shirt that we used during our last conference. I immediately stand up and approached her. Aside from greeting her a happy birthday, she's happy that I made it. I am now relieved because at least I knew someone in there. Being an ISTJ you would really really start to panic when something is not working in your favor. Haha.

After the mass, I told them that I was nervous if I misread something and the birthday celebrant assured me that they were just late. So it was me, the birthday celebrant's family, the lead organizer and the scholars of the church were able to join in her outreach.

While waiting for her family to fetch us from the church, the birthday celebrant and I chatted like me asking her the outreach-related stuff and also me telling her that it's my first time to get engaged in an outreach activity that was not part of a school requirement or forcing yourself to create one so your organization would be kept afloat. Just a caveat during my college days, doing an outreach would pull your organization points up, most especially if your organization was on under probation.

So we reached the place and it's called He Cares Mission. It's a place that caters to street children. If my memory serves me right, this is the first time I will be serving to these type of group. I mean I went to assisting kids on poor areas but they have a house, we went to orphanage to help build houses in Sto. Tomas, Batangas and also gave used clothes and toys to those children at PGH.

In every outreach, I think they have this sense of feeling satisfied, grateful or some sorts. I guess if you are really into these kinds of activities, you felt like it was easy for you to do on a regular basis. As for myself, the only thing that would connect me to an outreach activity was some random classmate, schoolmate or batchmate of yours wanting to raise funds to fund their passion in doing charity activities, and you be like okay I have extra tithes to spare, you can have it so I could help you fund your passion in helping those who are in need. I would admit that maybe sometimes when you had surplus of tithes allowance, it came into a point that it's heartless.

However in my visit at He Cares Mission, things are different - way different I should say. I did not spend a single centavo in participating this outreach activity - which is extremely weird for my part. Knowing that I didn't spend any cent in this activity, you can't just stand there and just say I came, you have to do something else. So apparently Brother Joe (one of the founders of He Cares Mission), have this organized program for the street kids, then he also gave a list to us where we are assigned to do an activity in facilitating the feeding program. I think I volunteered the sweeping. I mean first of all, food is delicate and who knows something might happen to the children; second, I cannot exert a lot using my hand due to the damage that the tuberculosis of the joints did to both of my wrists. So sweeping it is.

At the end of the activity, when all children were being fed and they left the vicinity, that's the time I realized that I was already tired. I mean aside from sweeping (which I technically didn't do much), I also helped with the food preparation like passing the containers from one place to another. Then I also assisted the scholars of the church as they are the ones hosting the games while I do the prize giving. I mean there's no way I'm going to host that games because I already had a bunch of hosting activities especially during company Christmas parties.

I can say it was really a nice experience on having an encounter with these children. Not only that, it was a different experience where before you're only doing things behind the scenes such as giving money to aid the main person who wanted to do the activity, this time, you are immersing yourself in helping the main person who wanted to spend her birthday with the less fortunate children by offering your time and effort - which I admit was really hard to give to.

If there is anything that I would learn from this experience is that maybe... Just maybe it wasn't actually that bad to help these less fortunate ones financially.

Journeying Home: Embracing Faith, Hope, and Charity (A Filipino-Chinese Catholic Experience)

If there was something I learned the past year were these major points:

A. God will eventually give you what your heart desires (for as long as it's good for you). It's just has to be on His terms and perfect time, not ours.

B. God will not give us challenges that we cannot face - even if it means you hit rock bottom and you feel like you can never recover from that situation. In fact, He was actually helping you by showing you the way, you just have to trust Him enough and bravely walk towards where He wants to lead you.

C. You cannot keep on doing the same thing and expect a different result. Or as one of the Fil-Chi singles group organizers said, "You have to do something different in order to get something different in life."

D. Everything happens for a reason and I still believe that saying until now.

Pandemic made me realize that my faith in God wasn't as strong as I thought it was. As I tried to strengthen my faith, I felt like something was missing - I felt like I was serving Him alone culturally and spiritually. I know some people would say there's this group and that group that you could join to have the sense of belongingness, but the thing was you cannot wear one mask while withholding some parts of you because you are worried on how they will respond to the situation. I felt like I don't have an identity where I could converge myself being a Fil-Chi and a Catholic at the same time. It's like you either have to give up one or the other just to have the sense of belongingness in the community.

Until I hit the rock bottom phase. That phase where I ended up having a scratch on my eyelids due to using tissue or towel to wipe off the tears that never stopped pouring. That phase where I just said I cannot go to one of my college friend's child dedication without explaining why because I knew deep down that I would either rant or cry to this one family (who knew the whole story of how I ended up in rock bottom) along the trip to the venue or I would have a bunch of pangs of sadness as I see them all enjoying a lot of stuff with their respective families and you wonder if you would have yours and who knew that tears would suddenly pour down and people around would wonder why and the last thing you would want to happen was you spreading negativity or loneliness on such as beautiful occasion. I knew that this family - especially this particular friend who knew the crap that I have gone through was so worried about me and I was just pulling the Ennui mode of my emotion telling her that I'm fine - even if I am not just to not make her worry. That phase where reading Dr. Nicole Lepera's posts on the X app became even more valuable. Who knew that she was mentioning things that never struck me that much until that time when I was at rock bottom - that you are literally following her tips because you felt like you are in freezing mode and you need to go out to walk while shaking your hands. That phase where my mom doesn't know how to help me and I said I wanted to go to a Psychiatrist who I thought would help me with what I am going through - because how are you going to have a happy ending if you felt like there's a big boulder that I felt I cannot remove (that is the stigma that is involving my condition that I didn't choose).

They say when you hit rock bottom there are two things you could have done: Continue to wallow in pain and sorrow OR, get up and do something positively different - and I did the latter.

Who knew that bravely attending that one Fil-Chi singles' event on that fateful December of last year would be the gateway on experiencing the things that you never thought you could imagine in your wildest dreams. It was the gateway for me to find the home that I have never thought existed in terms of serving Him spiritually in a community who was raised in the same culture as you.

The gateway? Gaining new friends - friends who would eventually lead you in getting what your heart's desire. That one new friend (Rachel) extended an invitation for me to attend a Filipino-Chinese Catholic Young Adults (FCCYA) National Gathering for three days in Antipolo. I never thought twice about this invitation and agreed to join them (well transportation was indeed an issue, but they resolved it quickly.).

It was funny that this year's FCCYA's theme was Journeying Home, but maybe for my case it was more of someone from the Fil-Chi event learned through our private conversations that I was probably a lost girl aimlessly wandering around looking for a home spiritually and she decided to invite me as we journey together back home serving Him together with other Fil-Chi Catholics in one community 😅.

Thank you so much Rachel for inviting me to join the conference! Thank you for the Sy and Limyuen siblings for adopting me during the trip, the CIRVYS group I formed (Conrad, Achi IC, Rachel, Vanee, Achi Yanyan) and to all the people there who made me feel welcome during the 3-day activity. Lastly, thank you for my COO who has been an ever-supporting boss that when he knew I am going to this kind of a trip, he was so happy for me because at least now, he knew that it would be one step for me to become closer not only to God, but also maybe who knows I might end up looking for my future one, who might also be probably lost like me.

Looking back, I was like thinking I've been doing research for more than a decade at work, and I wondered why in the world did I never thought of doing a research about Filipino-Chinese Catholics? It was a simple Google search like how you search for different things with only your fingers. I mean I was able to obtain information for the more complicated work-related stuff, why can't I find this or even attempted to find it? Then maybe I realized I might not have the urge to attend this - even if I found out about it. Come to think of it, for someone whose MBTI personality is most resistant to change and being thrown in a situation without any safety net; add to the fact that you probably have parents who have zero idea about it (like who are these people?) - I don't think they would even allow me to go without them knowing anybody that would make them at ease.

Maybe I can say now I knew why it made sense that I hit rock bottom (or what He orchestrated so I could hit rock bottom), because maybe God knew I am going to do something about it (through His guidance) and I can say it was paying a huge dividends right now.

They say if God took something away from you or He put you off track, it's because He will either give you something better or He would put you in a much better path that you never thought of.

It was indeed a wonderful and memorable experience that I would cherish forever and I'm finally home. 😊

#fccya12