It Finally Struck Me

Year after year, we used to do the Way of the Cross every Maundy Thursday as a family until it's only me and my mom who were doing it together for this year.

I knew doing the Visita Iglesia for some practicing Catholics in this country has been the norm. Then I noticed for some reason some people were struck emotionally as they journey through different churches doing the station of the cross. I even saw a lad who after their family's station of the cross that he started to hug each and every one of his family members. I think for me and my mom maybe we felt like thinking what just happened there?

For this year, I think this year's Visita Iglesia hits different on me. Well aside from realizing that I wasn't even listening to my own prayer mantra on finding a spouse (praying that I wanted a pure Chinese practicing Catholic who will love me as me without me settling for less), but I still keep on entertaining or going out with a guy who left me at the church instead of joining me to hear mass as we parted ways despite him being a Catholic by name, yet not practicing one until he said we just settle being friends. I guess rejection is rejection, but the fact that I wasn't practicing what I've prayed for is what gets me into trouble every single time - especially the last one.

It hits different in the sense that I was digesting the words that I was reading from the story, to reflection and to the prayer. For all the years I did this, I never cried until yesterday. What struck me the most was during the second station (The Agony in Gethsemane), where Jesus was praying so earnestly and  he kept on praying to his Father saying 

"My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by. Still, let it be as you would have it, not as I." 

I knew my mom was the one reading it aloud that time and I admit I was trying to get back to the phrase and I realized a lot of things from that phrase alone.

It made me realize that there's a reason why preachers and pastors kept on saying that we should be like Jesus. I know it is very impossible to be like Jesus, but reading those lines makes me realize that Jesus is a human made in the image of God. I am not saying that He makes mistake etc., but I think it's more of he is human in the sense that what we are experiencing, he also experienced. He experienced fear much like as we experience fear whenever there's a trial in our life. The line also mentioned that He is also trusting His Father to do what needs to be done. The good thing about Jesus being a son of God too was He could see the future... see the future in the sense of He knows He needs to endure the suffering from mankind and die on the cross so that all sins will be forgiven. It's just that it seems to be hard to phantom for someone to deal with that without knowing what the future holds. I mean if we are asked to do the same thing, are we going to surrender ourselves to the Lord and let His will be done? Or we would run away from it?

I realized maybe sometimes things has to happen and it has to be at the right time. If we kept on reading the Gospel during Lent, Jesus kept on saying to his disciples that the hour has not yet arrived, so He was able to get away from the Pharisees and people who wanted him to be in prison - until the Holy Week has arrived where Jesus knew that his time is about to come from saying that there will be a traitor among the Apostles until Judas sold Jesus for 30 pieces of silver.

The difference was, Jesus knew that He has to make a decision on whether He would heed His Father's will to save humanity and whatever His decision will be will go through. Unlike us normal human beings, we sometimes have to retrospect things just for us to realize that it make sense. That things have to happen in order to achieve the one God wanted to happen. I mean one instance where I couldn't understand why I needed to get emotionally hurt badly only for me to retrospect months later that God has set me something up for a greater good - that sinking rock-bottom would allow me to find the Spiritual home my heart was yearning for. I think if I'm not mistaken, I think I just gave up on the idea that maybe there's no such thing or I was probably asking for too much until I met friends in the Chinese community who would help me lead me to the home I never imagined.

As for my current sufferings or struggles, I don't know what the future holds for me - why I kept on failing the same thing - well I think as of now all I know is that I'm wide awake (enter singing Katy Perry's song) that if I don't get my act together, God would really take my future husband away from me - for good.

Right now, I think the continuous crying from Maundy Thursday until Good Friday either through the Station of the Cross Journey or to listening to testimonials from people on how God showed His love them sure did some internal cleaning on my part to realize that as long as we have the Holy Trinity in our side - that we kept on believing and trusting in them, we should be fine. I think if there is something we should pick up was Jesus' whole trust on His Father that even if He would suffer greatly in the hands of the soldiers and the people who wanted him to be crucified, that He knew His Father will be by his side. I guess similar to how parents let their children fail on the petty things in life so they become stronger - like they allow them to fall from riding a bike and let them get up on their own. It also made me realize how many times my mother let me suffer things by myself through a lot of disasters because she knew that those mistakes that I would be doing wouldn't define who I am - but how I recover or get up from those failures would define who I am. I know deep down she is very proud of who I am right now and I think she never imagine that I would be doing wonders.

So I guess the saying in every song where you like the beat when you're happy and feel the lyrics when your sad is true. I mean if before I was just going through the motions on reading aloud the Stations of the Cross, right now armed with a Spiritual home plus the pain you've been through, the words became more meaningful - and it finally struck me.