Imbalanced Scale

As I gained more experience in getting to know the guys I went out with and woke up to the idea that if I don't figure things out myself, I would end up with the perennial cycle of bad dating habits and God might take my future husband away from me because he can't make him wait a little longer. I kept on telling myself that I need to get my act together.

I focused on that until I met probably the most hardcore Atheist that defied your newly formed mantra, but at the same time the what if is looming if you don't take a chance on someone you encountered unexpectedly. After all, everybody wanted a nice story to tell on how they met. It was a very struggling one where the desire to be closer to God or try to separate Him for the sake of having your first relationship that has been offered freely on your plate. Eventually I chose to end it as there was unrest in that phase of my dating life with him.

Then came another guy out of nowhere from one of the events I attended last year. So bizarre that I wasn't giving a crap on whoever is at the event that caught my eye and adding almost everyone on Facebook regardless of gender until there was an another event where I'm so competitive that I almost made our group table won against their table where one of the close male friends I gained was representing their table. We started from me asking if I could add him on Facebook (so to others), then he sent a message if I would attend the next event until after what transpired with the next event where we started to shift away from the events conversation and more of a bit personal info about ourselves. One info I learned initially was we both practice the same faith and he serves the church. In my mind, I already know that this guy is interesting to get to know as I feel like someone like him is so rare to find until he randomly asked me out for a lunch at one of his childhood restaurants. I think it's my first time (outside of blind dates) to meet with someone who I didn't even know the exact age. It's him serving the church and both of us are practicing made me agree to go out with him without hesitation.

The first time we went out, it seems like time is so short even if we both figured out that we had such a huge gap in age. I felt peace when I was with him... Maybe the peace where I'm happy that I can finally talk about God without putting Him aside, but, when he was computing our age gap, I thought that this might be over and I'm also okay with that.

However, that wasn't the case as we still chose to see each other and we normally felt that time wasn't enough until reality strikes where you are not dealing with the huge age gap, you are dealing with financial constraints and your career.

It's just frustrating that you know deep down that it's hard to find someone like him; yet you were given a huge obstacle where there is a huge imbalance between the spiritual needs and the financial needs to survive a newly formed family.

If I would recount all the guys I went out with and another guy that I met this year but I eventually turned down due to the misalignment of spiritual goals, it seems like they could offer the financial aspect, but you would have to give up the desire to be spiritually in-sync in serving God.

I think the guy whom I thought gave me peace or who I was wondering if that was the guy that I'll be marrying end up leaving without any parting words. I know it's called ghosting, but it's more of perhaps we both knew that it has something to do with mismatched finances or the difference in the desire to have kids.

I'm happy that some of the people I've met were able to marry the one they wanted. I am very positive that they are both spiritually and financially in-sync, thus having a balance between the two crucial scales of discerning marriage.

However, that's not my case, I noticed I either end up with guy who would be willing to give all the financial aspect of it such as treating you to nice dinners or dessert, but they would not want to get involved in such activity where you show your love to the Lord; or I end up with someone who love the Lord so much, but does not have a concreate plan on how he would lead the family based on his current resources.

Like maybe for some guys that are financially a bit well off, but lacking in spiritual relationship with the Lord (regardless of their chosen faith), they would call you out for being overthinking. A part of you wish that you have a strong personality that you can will your children to serve the Lord and turn the other eye away from what your husband is doing. Or to make life easier, you succumb to what the world was clinging into so that you would have easier access to what your heart desires.

Funny when I've been telling two of the previous guys I went out with, if only you guys met me pre-pandemic, we wouldn't even be talking about these things... because during those times, as long as they meet my criteria, there's no point in discussing about faith. However, during pandemic, that's where I realized maybe the reason why God didn't give me the type of a man I was looking for (it usually lacks one of the three initial criteria that I have - usually the height) was He knew I'll fall for it and I might possible even be drifted away from Him, especially if I realized my relationship with Him was not as strong as I thought it was. So now, God is probably confident that I would not get swayed, maybe if I did, he knew that I'll probably choose Him in the end. I know I sometimes cry out of frustration that the solution of the problems of getting your first relationship is easy, but you know you can't take that route because it's not something that aligns with God's plan for you. 

When my mom heard what I said, she asked me, do you like to go back to where you're from [in terms of your faith with God]? Do you regret with the path you've chosen? [reading the gospel, received the Sacrament of confirmation and praying before meals] When she asked those things to me, I said I don't regret anything. Like I like where I am right now [in terms of serving God]. Then she replied, stay on course.

Her words made me feel that I shouldn't be giving up that there's still hope that there's someone out there for me. Maybe the guy that I enjoyed being with spiritually was perhaps a sign that there's a possibility, but he was not the one that God intended for me as for me not to lose hope on such things.

I don't know what God's plan was for me, but I really hope that He would give me the balanced scale where I am spiritually in-synced with, at the same time he would give you enough financial cushion that you don't need to downgrade your already simple lifestyle just for the sake of spiritual nourishment.